Monday, March 27, 2006
My age
A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.
Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me
asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 35," was the reply.
"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.
After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question.
The reply is, "Oh, you look about 29".
"I am actually 47."
Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question.
She replies, "I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age."
As there was no one around, the man thinks, What the hell and lets her slip her hand down his pants.
Ten minutes later, the old lady says, "Okay, it's done. You are 47."
Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?"
The old lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonalds."
A man decides to have a face-lift for his birthday. He spends $5,000 and feels really good about the results. On his way home, he stops at a newsstand and buys a paper.
Before leaving, he says to the sales clerk, "I hope you don't mind me
asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 35," was the reply.
"I'm actually 47," the man says, feeling really happy.
After that, he goes into McDonalds for lunch and asks the clerk the same question.
The reply is, "Oh, you look about 29".
"I am actually 47."
Later, while standing at a bus stop, he asks an old woman the same question.
She replies, "I am 85 years old, and my eyesight is going. But when I was young, there was a sure way of telling a man's age. If I put my hand down your pants and play with your balls for 10 minutes, I will be able to tell you your exact age."
As there was no one around, the man thinks, What the hell and lets her slip her hand down his pants.
Ten minutes later, the old lady says, "Okay, it's done. You are 47."
Stunned, the man says, "That was brilliant. How did you do that?"
The old lady replies, "I was behind you at McDonalds."
BE CAREFUL !
Harry did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into bed
and falling to sleep. All of a sudden, he wakes up with an elderly
man dressed in a cowl standing in front of his bed.
"What the hell are you doing in my bedroom?......and who are you?" he asked.
"This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St.Peter, and you are in heaven."
"WHAT !? Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die.....I'm too young." said Harry. "If I'm dead, I want you to send me back immediately."
"It's not that easy", said St.Peter , "you can only return as a dog or a hen.
You can choose on your own..."
Harry thought about it for a while, and figured out that being a dog is too tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life. Running around with a rooster can't be that bad.
"I want to return as a hen." Harry replied.
And in the next second, he found himself in a chicken run, really nicely feathered. But man, now "he" felt like the rear end was gonna blow........
Then along came the rooster.
"Hey, you must be the new hen on the farm." he said. "How does it feel?"
"Well, it's OK I guess, but it feels like my rear end is blowing up."
"Oh that !" said the rooster. "That's only the ovulation going on.
Have you never laid an egg before??"
"No, how do I do that?" Harry asked.
"Cluck twice, and then you push all you can."
Harry clucked twice, and pushed more than he was good for, and then
'Plop' and an egg was on the ground.
"Wow" Harry said "that felt really good !" So he clucked again and squeezed.
And you better believe that there was yet another egg on the ground !!
The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout:
"Harry, for Gods sake wake up, you're shitting
all over the bed!"
Harry did like he always does, kissing his wife, crawling into bed
and falling to sleep. All of a sudden, he wakes up with an elderly
man dressed in a cowl standing in front of his bed.
"What the hell are you doing in my bedroom?......and who are you?" he asked.
"This is not your bedroom," the man replied, "I am St.Peter, and you are in heaven."
"WHAT !? Are you saying I'm dead? I don't want to die.....I'm too young." said Harry. "If I'm dead, I want you to send me back immediately."
"It's not that easy", said St.Peter , "you can only return as a dog or a hen.
You can choose on your own..."
Harry thought about it for a while, and figured out that being a dog is too tiring, but a hen probably has a nice and relaxed life. Running around with a rooster can't be that bad.
"I want to return as a hen." Harry replied.
And in the next second, he found himself in a chicken run, really nicely feathered. But man, now "he" felt like the rear end was gonna blow........
Then along came the rooster.
"Hey, you must be the new hen on the farm." he said. "How does it feel?"
"Well, it's OK I guess, but it feels like my rear end is blowing up."
"Oh that !" said the rooster. "That's only the ovulation going on.
Have you never laid an egg before??"
"No, how do I do that?" Harry asked.
"Cluck twice, and then you push all you can."
Harry clucked twice, and pushed more than he was good for, and then
'Plop' and an egg was on the ground.
"Wow" Harry said "that felt really good !" So he clucked again and squeezed.
And you better believe that there was yet another egg on the ground !!
The third time he clucked, he heard his wife shout:
"Harry, for Gods sake wake up, you're shitting
all over the bed!"
Saturday, March 25, 2006
Wow! What bliss!
After years of hard work, an ambitious yuppie books himself on a Caribbean cruise. He has the time of his life until the boat sinks and he ends up on a desert island. A month later the man looks out to sea and sees a gorgeous woman rowing to shore. He asks her where she's come from.
"I was shipwrecked last year," she says. "I've been stranded on the other side of the island."
"Where did you get the rowboat?"
"I made it out of gum trees and palm branches," she replies.
"But you had no tools!" he says.
"I used volcanic rocks to whittle the wood, and eucalyptus jelly as glue."
The woman takes the man to the other side of the island and leads him into an elaborate bungalow with ceiling fans and furniture she made out of vines.
The man can't believe his eyes. They sit down, and she smiles at him. "Now, tell me," she says, looking deep into his eyes. "Is there something you've been desiring while you've been alone? You know..."
"Do you mean," he whispers, "I can check my e-mail from here!?!"
After years of hard work, an ambitious yuppie books himself on a Caribbean cruise. He has the time of his life until the boat sinks and he ends up on a desert island. A month later the man looks out to sea and sees a gorgeous woman rowing to shore. He asks her where she's come from.
"I was shipwrecked last year," she says. "I've been stranded on the other side of the island."
"Where did you get the rowboat?"
"I made it out of gum trees and palm branches," she replies.
"But you had no tools!" he says.
"I used volcanic rocks to whittle the wood, and eucalyptus jelly as glue."
The woman takes the man to the other side of the island and leads him into an elaborate bungalow with ceiling fans and furniture she made out of vines.
The man can't believe his eyes. They sit down, and she smiles at him. "Now, tell me," she says, looking deep into his eyes. "Is there something you've been desiring while you've been alone? You know..."
"Do you mean," he whispers, "I can check my e-mail from here!?!"
A bridge too far
A man walking along a Cornwall beach was deep in prayer when all of a sudden he said aloud, "Lord grant me one wish". The sky clouded and a booming voice said, "Because you have tried to be faithful I will grant you one wish." The man said, "Build a bridge to America so I can drive over anytime I want to."
The Lord answered, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking; the supports required to reach the bottom of the Atlantic; the concrete and steel it would take. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time to think of another wish, a
wish you think would honor and glorify me".
The man thought for a long time and finally said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know what they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing', and how I can make a woman truly happy?"
After a few minutes God said, "How many lanes do you want on that bridge?"
A man walking along a Cornwall beach was deep in prayer when all of a sudden he said aloud, "Lord grant me one wish". The sky clouded and a booming voice said, "Because you have tried to be faithful I will grant you one wish." The man said, "Build a bridge to America so I can drive over anytime I want to."
The Lord answered, "Your request is very materialistic. Think of the logistics of that kind of undertaking; the supports required to reach the bottom of the Atlantic; the concrete and steel it would take. I can do it, but it is hard for me to justify your desire for worldly things. Take a little more time to think of another wish, a
wish you think would honor and glorify me".
The man thought for a long time and finally said, "Lord, I wish that I could understand women. I want to know what they feel inside, what they are thinking when they give me the silent treatment, why they cry, what they mean when they say 'nothing', and how I can make a woman truly happy?"
After a few minutes God said, "How many lanes do you want on that bridge?"
You cannot be bullied for too long
A little guy gets on a plane and sits next to the window. A few minutes later, a big, heavy, strong, mean-looking, hulking guy plops down in the seat next to him. The huge man glares threateningly at his neighbour, crowds the little guy so much that he's flattened against the window, and immediately falls asleep.
After the plane takes off, the little guy starts to feel a little air sick, but he's afraid to wake the big guy up to ask if he can go to the bathroom.
After a few attempts, he realises that he can't climb over him, and so the little guy is sitting there, looking at the big guy, trying to decide what to do.
Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable wave of nausea passes over the little fellow. He just can't hold it in any longer and finally pukes all over the big guy's chest.
About five minutes later the big guy wakes up, looks down, and sees the vomit all over him.
"So," the little guy says brightly, "are you feeling better now
A little guy gets on a plane and sits next to the window. A few minutes later, a big, heavy, strong, mean-looking, hulking guy plops down in the seat next to him. The huge man glares threateningly at his neighbour, crowds the little guy so much that he's flattened against the window, and immediately falls asleep.
After the plane takes off, the little guy starts to feel a little air sick, but he's afraid to wake the big guy up to ask if he can go to the bathroom.
After a few attempts, he realises that he can't climb over him, and so the little guy is sitting there, looking at the big guy, trying to decide what to do.
Suddenly, the plane hits an air pocket and an uncontrollable wave of nausea passes over the little fellow. He just can't hold it in any longer and finally pukes all over the big guy's chest.
About five minutes later the big guy wakes up, looks down, and sees the vomit all over him.
"So," the little guy says brightly, "are you feeling better now
Friday, March 24, 2006
Coded message !!!
After numerous rounds of: "We don't even know if enemy is still alive," enemy himself decided to send George a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game. George opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message:
370HSSV-0773H
George was baffled, so he e-mailed it to his secretary. His secretary and her assistants had no clue either, so they sent it to the MI5. No one could solve it so it went to the KGB, then to CIA. With no clue as to its meaning, they eventually asked India's RAW department for help.
RAW cabled George:
"Tell that he's holding the message upside down."
After numerous rounds of: "We don't even know if enemy is still alive," enemy himself decided to send George a letter in his own handwriting to let him know he was still in the game. George opened the letter and it appeared to contain a coded message:
370HSSV-0773H
George was baffled, so he e-mailed it to his secretary. His secretary and her assistants had no clue either, so they sent it to the MI5. No one could solve it so it went to the KGB, then to CIA. With no clue as to its meaning, they eventually asked India's RAW department for help.
RAW cabled George:
"Tell that he's holding the message upside down."
Thursday, March 23, 2006
Mercedes think of everything
The attendant at the pump greets him in a typical Newfoundland manner,
completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.
"Mornin' bye" says the attendant.
Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.
As he does so, two tees fall out out of his shirt pocket onto the
ground.
"What are dey den, son?" asks the attendant.
"They're called tees" replies Tiger.
"Well, what on de good earth are dey for?" inquires the Newfie.
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving" says Tiger.
"Freeckin Jaysus" says the Newfie, "Dem boys at Mercedes tink of
everything".
The attendant at the pump greets him in a typical Newfoundland manner,
completely unaware of who the golfing pro is.
"Mornin' bye" says the attendant.
Tiger nods a quick "hello" and bends forward to pick up the nozzle.
As he does so, two tees fall out out of his shirt pocket onto the
ground.
"What are dey den, son?" asks the attendant.
"They're called tees" replies Tiger.
"Well, what on de good earth are dey for?" inquires the Newfie.
"They're for resting my balls on when I'm driving" says Tiger.
"Freeckin Jaysus" says the Newfie, "Dem boys at Mercedes tink of
everything".
Wednesday, March 22, 2006
When to Keep Your Mouth Shut
On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank. She explained that for the more than three decades she had "charged" him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.
Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business !"
That is when she shot him.
On their wedding night, the young bride approached her new husband and asked for $20.00 for their first lovemaking encounter. In his highly aroused state, her husband readily agreed.
This scenario was repeated each time they made love, for more than 30 years, with him thinking that it was a cute way for her to afford new clothes and other incidentals that she needed.
Arriving home around noon one day, she was surprised to find her husband in a very drunken state. During the next few minutes, he explained that his employer was going through a process of corporate downsizing, and he had been let go. It was unlikely that, at the age of 59, he'd be able to find another position that paid anywhere near what he'd been earning, and therefore, they were financially ruined.
Calmly, his wife handed him a bank book which showed more than thirty years of steady deposits and interest totaling nearly $1 million. Then she showed him certificates of deposits issued by the bank which were worth over $2 million, and informed him that they were one of the largest depositors in the bank. She explained that for the more than three decades she had "charged" him for sex, these holdings had multiplied and these were the results of her savings and investments.
Faced with evidence of cash and investments worth over $3 million, her husband was so astounded he could barely speak, but finally he found his voice and blurted out, "If I'd had any idea what you were doing, I would have given you all my business !"
That is when she shot him.
Customer service
A very flat-chested woman finally decided she needed a bra and set out
to the mall in search of one in her size. She entered an upscale
department store and approached the saleslady in lingerie, "Do you have a
size 28AAAA bra?"
The clerk haughtily replied in the negative, so she left the store and
proceeded to another department store where she is rebuffed in much the
same manner. After a third try at another department store in the mall,
she had become disgusted.
Leaving the mall, she drove to K-Mart.
Marching up to the sales clerk, she unbuttoned and threw open her
blouse, yelling, "Do you have anything for this?"
The lady looked closely at her and replied, "Have you tried Clearasil?"
A very flat-chested woman finally decided she needed a bra and set out
to the mall in search of one in her size. She entered an upscale
department store and approached the saleslady in lingerie, "Do you have a
size 28AAAA bra?"
The clerk haughtily replied in the negative, so she left the store and
proceeded to another department store where she is rebuffed in much the
same manner. After a third try at another department store in the mall,
she had become disgusted.
Leaving the mall, she drove to K-Mart.
Marching up to the sales clerk, she unbuttoned and threw open her
blouse, yelling, "Do you have anything for this?"
The lady looked closely at her and replied, "Have you tried Clearasil?"
Sunday, March 19, 2006
Santa and Banta
Santa and Banta often rented boat to fish on a lake. One day they caught thirty fish. Santa said to Banta, “Mark this spot so we can find it again tomorrow.”
The next day when they were driving to rent the boat, Santa asked, “Did you mark that spot?”
Banta replied, “Yes, I put a big ‘X’ on the bottom of the boat.”
Santa exploded in exasperation, “You fool!............... What if we don’t get the same boat today?”
Santa and Banta often rented boat to fish on a lake. One day they caught thirty fish. Santa said to Banta, “Mark this spot so we can find it again tomorrow.”
The next day when they were driving to rent the boat, Santa asked, “Did you mark that spot?”
Banta replied, “Yes, I put a big ‘X’ on the bottom of the boat.”
Santa exploded in exasperation, “You fool!............... What if we don’t get the same boat today?”
Kiss the frog
An engineer was walking one day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess.”
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week.”
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I’ll stay with you a week and do ANYTHING you want.”
Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked in frustration, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess, which I’ll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?”
The engineer said, “Look I’m an engineer. I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that’s cool.”
An engineer was walking one day when a frog called out to him and said, “If you kiss me, I'll turn into a beautiful princess.”
He bent over, picked up the frog and put it in his pocket. The frog spoke up again and said, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I will stay with you for one week.”
The engineer took the frog out of his pocket, smiled at it and returned it to the pocket. The frog then cried out, “If you kiss me and turn me back into a beautiful princess, I’ll stay with you a week and do ANYTHING you want.”
Again the engineer took the frog out, smiled at it and put it back into his pocket. Finally, the frog asked in frustration, “What is the matter? I’ve told you I’m a beautiful princess, which I’ll stay with you for a week and do anything you want. Why won’t you kiss me?”
The engineer said, “Look I’m an engineer. I don’t have time for a girlfriend, but a talking frog, now that’s cool.”
Friday, March 17, 2006
Halloween Party
A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got
a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party
alone.
He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said
she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was
no need of his good time being spoiled by not going.
So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without
pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party.
Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she
thought she would have some fun by watching him see
how he acted when she was not with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting
around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice lady he
could, and copping a little feel here
and a little kiss there.
His wife walked up to him and being a rather seductive babe
herself, he left his other partner high and dry and devoted his time
to the new lady that had just arrived.
She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her
husband.
Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she
agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little
bang.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went
home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what
kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind
of a time he had.
He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good
time when you're not there."
Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"
He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When
I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys,
so we
went into the den and played poker all evening.
But I'll tell you something ... the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a
real good time!"
A couple was invited to a swanky masked Halloween Party. She got
a terrible headache and told her husband to go to the party
alone.
He, being a devoted husband, protested, but she argued and said
she was going to take some aspirin and go to bed, and there was
no need of his good time being spoiled by not going.
So he took his costume and away he went.
The wife, after sleeping soundly for one hour, awakened without
pain, and as it was still early, she decided to go to the party.
Since her husband did not know what her costume was, she
thought she would have some fun by watching him see
how he acted when she was not with him.
She joined the party and soon spotted her husband cavorting
around on the dance floor, dancing with every nice lady he
could, and copping a little feel here
and a little kiss there.
His wife walked up to him and being a rather seductive babe
herself, he left his other partner high and dry and devoted his time
to the new lady that had just arrived.
She let him go as far as he wished; naturally, since he was her
husband.
Finally he whispered a little proposition in her ear and she
agreed, so off they went to one of the cars and had a little
bang.
Just before unmasking at midnight, she slipped away and went
home and put the costume away and got into bed, wondering what
kind of explanation he would make for his behavior.
She was sitting up reading when he came in and asked what kind
of a time he had.
He said, "Oh, the same old thing. You know I never have a good
time when you're not there."
Then she asked, "Did you dance much?"
He replied, "I'll tell you, I never even danced one dance. When
I got there, I met Pete, Bill Brown and some other guys,
so we
went into the den and played poker all evening.
But I'll tell you something ... the guy I loaned my costume to sure had a
real good time!"
Christmas Gift
One year, a particular harried husband decided to buy his
mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.
The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked him why, he replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last
year!"
One year, a particular harried husband decided to buy his
mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.
The next year, he didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked him why, he replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last
year!"
Keeper of Secret
At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether men
or women were more trustworthy. "No woman," said one man,
scornfully, "can keep a secret."
"I don't know about that," answered a woman guest. "I have kept
my age a secret since I was twenty-one."
"You'll let it out some day," the man insisted.
"I hardly think so!" responded the lady. "When a woman has kept a
secret for twenty-seven years, she can keep it forever."
At a dinner party, several of the guests were arguing whether men
or women were more trustworthy. "No woman," said one man,
scornfully, "can keep a secret."
"I don't know about that," answered a woman guest. "I have kept
my age a secret since I was twenty-one."
"You'll let it out some day," the man insisted.
"I hardly think so!" responded the lady. "When a woman has kept a
secret for twenty-seven years, she can keep it forever."
Thursday, March 16, 2006
HEAVEN'S GATES
Bill Gates went up to heaven and was met by St John. Seeing how he was so important, St. John gave him the option to go to Heaven or to Hell. Bill Gates said, "What are they like?"
St John shows him Heaven, which is very nice with green fields and luxurious houses. Only you can't drink. Bill Gates asks to see Hell so St John shows him and it is exactly the same except that you can drink. So Bill Gates says, "I'll go to Hell then" About a month later St John returns to see how he is getting on and Bill Gates is working in the furnaces sweating and wishing he could drink anything let alone alcohol. He says to St John, "Hell is nothing like what you showed me!"
St John replies, "Well, that was only the demo version."
Bill Gates went up to heaven and was met by St John. Seeing how he was so important, St. John gave him the option to go to Heaven or to Hell. Bill Gates said, "What are they like?"
St John shows him Heaven, which is very nice with green fields and luxurious houses. Only you can't drink. Bill Gates asks to see Hell so St John shows him and it is exactly the same except that you can drink. So Bill Gates says, "I'll go to Hell then" About a month later St John returns to see how he is getting on and Bill Gates is working in the furnaces sweating and wishing he could drink anything let alone alcohol. He says to St John, "Hell is nothing like what you showed me!"
St John replies, "Well, that was only the demo version."
Fishing yarn
Two fellas are fishing in a boat under a bridge. One looks up and sees a funeral procession starting across the bridge. He stands up, takes off his cap, and bows his head. The procession crosses the bridge and the man puts on his cap, picks up his rod and reel, and continues fishing. The other guy says, "That was touching. I didn't know you had it in you."
The first guy responds, "Well, I guess it was the thing to do after all, I was married to her for 40 years."
Two fellas are fishing in a boat under a bridge. One looks up and sees a funeral procession starting across the bridge. He stands up, takes off his cap, and bows his head. The procession crosses the bridge and the man puts on his cap, picks up his rod and reel, and continues fishing. The other guy says, "That was touching. I didn't know you had it in you."
The first guy responds, "Well, I guess it was the thing to do after all, I was married to her for 40 years."
Camping Trip
A MBA and a CA go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fell asleep.
Some hours later, the CA wakes his MBA friend. " look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
The MBA replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
The MBA ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What does it tell you?"
The CA is silent for a moment, then speaks.
"Practically...Someone has stolen our tent".
A MBA and a CA go on a camping trip, set up their tent, and fell asleep.
Some hours later, the CA wakes his MBA friend. " look up at the sky and tell me what you see."
The MBA replies, "I see millions of stars."
"What does that tell you?"
The MBA ponders for a minute. "Astronomically speaking, it tells me that there are millions of galaxies and potentially billions of planets. Astrologically, it tells me that Saturn is in Leo. Time wise, it appears to be approximately a quarter past three. Theologically, it's evident the Lord is all-powerful and we are small and insignificant. Meteorologically, it seems we will have a beautiful day tomorrow.
What does it tell you?"
The CA is silent for a moment, then speaks.
"Practically...Someone has stolen our tent".
Wednesday, March 15, 2006
What Do You say?
Three guys were standing around talking about dying when one asked, "What would you like people to say about you as they come to pay their last respects?"
The second man said, "I hope they say I was a respected doctor in my field, a good family man, and had lots of friends."
The third man said, "I hope they say I was a well spoken attorney, helped my fellow man, good citizen, and played a mean round of golf." The first man said,
"That's probably what will be said of the two of you." My hope is that when they look down in my coffin they say, "Look...he's moving"!
Three guys were standing around talking about dying when one asked, "What would you like people to say about you as they come to pay their last respects?"
The second man said, "I hope they say I was a respected doctor in my field, a good family man, and had lots of friends."
The third man said, "I hope they say I was a well spoken attorney, helped my fellow man, good citizen, and played a mean round of golf." The first man said,
"That's probably what will be said of the two of you." My hope is that when they look down in my coffin they say, "Look...he's moving"!
Duck Story
A man is driving a pick-up truck down the road with a bunch of ducks standing in the back. A police officer pulls over the driver and informs him that he is speeding and then asks him where does he think he's going with all those ducks. The driver says that he just doesn't know what to do anymore. The officer says, "Look, there's a zoo not far from there and that's where you should be taking them. That will take care of your problem."
The man thanks the officer and drives off with his ducks. The next day the officer again sees the pick-up truck once again speeding down the road. This time, though, all the ducks in the back are standing there with sunglasses. The officer pulls over the driver over and says, "I thought I told you to take them to the zoo!"
"I did that," said the driver, "but now they want to go to the beach!"
A man is driving a pick-up truck down the road with a bunch of ducks standing in the back. A police officer pulls over the driver and informs him that he is speeding and then asks him where does he think he's going with all those ducks. The driver says that he just doesn't know what to do anymore. The officer says, "Look, there's a zoo not far from there and that's where you should be taking them. That will take care of your problem."
The man thanks the officer and drives off with his ducks. The next day the officer again sees the pick-up truck once again speeding down the road. This time, though, all the ducks in the back are standing there with sunglasses. The officer pulls over the driver over and says, "I thought I told you to take them to the zoo!"
"I did that," said the driver, "but now they want to go to the beach!"
